My Revision of the Modern Ant and the Grasshopper Story

ORIGINAL VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant’s a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

MODERN AMERICAN VERSION

When the harsh, bitter cold winter came this year (due to the effects of man-caused Global Warming), the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving. CNN, MSNBC, CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food (Fox News wanted to come but they were not given the proper Press Credentials for the tightly controlled press conference). America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be that, in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Then a representative of the NAAGB (The National Association for the Advancement of Green Bugs) shows up on Anderson Cooper 360 and charges the ant with “green bias” and claims that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism.

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when he sings “It’s not easy being green.”

Barack Obama calls for an address before a joint session of Congress to tell the American people that we must act now to do everything we can for the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the Bush summers, or as he refers to it, the “unfair conditions of the previous Administration.”

Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, and Barney Frank explain in a Sunday morning panel with David Gregory on Meet the Press that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his “fair share.” Finally, the EEOC drafts the “Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act,” Retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

Al Sharpton and Jessie Jackson fight over who gets to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Barack appointed from a list of NAAGP lawyers. The ant loses the case.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left with which to pay these retroactive taxes, the Government confiscates his home and gives it to the Grasshopper, who, with the help of ACORN, sets up a brothel for underage lady bugs from South America.

As the story ends we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant’s food while the ant’s house crumbles around him since he doesn’t bother to maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow, which due to Global Warming, is falling at record levels. On the TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant’s furniture, they are showing Barack Obama standing before a wildly applauding group of Democrats announcing that a new era of “fairness” has dawned in America.